Q: After working with someone for many years, we became friends. His wife and he had six children. When she became very ill, my colleague took leave to be at her home.
When his wife died, he went back to work, we remained friends and after two years we started dating. We got married after three years. We loved each other, laughed a lot, traveled. When he got sick, our living room became a hospital room, just as he wanted. He passed about a year later.
Our only problem was his children (adults) and still is. They didn’t accept me and let their father know. He went out of his way to keep it tidy.
In the end I gave up. I was 15 years younger than my husband. He had his first child when he was 18 so there wasn’t a big age difference between me and the oldest.
My husband had done his best for a peaceful coexistence. But after a particularly horrific family marriage, he couldn’t stand it anymore and we moved on with our wonderful life. He still had a (changed) relationship with them. They were terrible to him.
I always expected that when he died, he would be buried with his wife of more than 50 years, the mother of his children. I had no problem with that, despite being married for 18 years. The week he passed, he told me he wanted to be buried with me. I was shocked.
He knew it would cause trouble, but that’s what he wanted. He said it could be solved by dividing the ashes.
He died at home, alone with me. Then all hell broke loose. His children wanted to see the will and wanted to bury him with their mother. They were not named in the will, but I gave them copies and agreed to divide his ashes. I planned a farewell that would include his children and grandchildren in the readings.
His children stayed outside until it was time to start. My husband had two brothers that we had visited and attended their funerals. None of the second brother’s children attended my husband’s funeral.
Now my stepson has passed away. I should go to the upcoming memorial, but I don’t want to go to the cemetery where half my husband’s ashes are, plus his first wife, his daughter and his grandson.
Rightly the family will honor their brother, but their parents will be part of it. Three sisters from out of town are not present.
I don’t know what to do. This stepson’s son has been very good to me. I want to support him, but I think it would be less stressful for him if I’m not there. He’s already worried about me and what might be targeting me. Like me.
Other than a few grandchildren, I don’t really want anything to do with this family. But I want to support the grandson who is so kind to me. My husband was such a good, kind man, I don’t know why his kids made it so hard for him.
He deserved better
A:Stand up straight and be greater than those who acted small and mean. Your deceased husband would expect that from you.
You two had a wonderfully loving relationship despite his mean relatives. That is the triumph of true and devoted love that none of them can take from you, and which they cannot understand.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Hell knows no fury like the cold meanness of grown children interfering with their parents’ love and generosity for someone important to their lives. Worse, some insist on checking the parents’ will to their beloved spouse.